Parenting and Porn

This being a parent thing is an actual riot!

Just when I think I have it cracked; the goal posts change on me. I learn the names of all Handy Manny's tools, he's now into Pokemon. I learn who and what a Charazard is and now he's into robotics and anime.

This last one however has come with the extra added bonus of Hentai.

I'm not a prude - obviously! And I am aiming to raise the teen to be somewhat open about sex. I don't expect (or even want) him to give me the nitty gritty of his sexual activity when he's older but I do think it's important, especially as a single parent, that he feels comfortable enough to talk to me about things. So, when he started talking to me about anime, I thought I would take my chance to get an idea of what he knows.

When explaining how gutted he is that his favourite anime only has limited series online, I thought I would ask about what other kinds of anime he likes. Manga for example.

He tells me how he's not really that into manga as he prefers novels to comics and then I ask if he knows what hentai is ... his face tells me he does.

I don't probe further as I got my answer, he knows what it is. I don't need to know more. But he has more questions. Turns out my probe was the window he needed too.

Over lunch we proceed to discuss all kinds of elements of pornography (within the boundaries I feel a 13-year-old needs).

I answer his questions and only once had to divert the conversation.

It was also an eye opener for the kinds of things that teen boys discuss and how easily accessible porn actually is.

He asked about different things - mild fetishes for example and then started asking questions about porn stars in general. A friend of his was saying how hopes he dates a porn star because he can do anything to her he wants, but the teen assumed that if your girlfriend loved you she would do anything to make you happy.

Mind blown

I asked why he thought that, and he said because I always make my boyfriend happy.

That's a very broad statement under the context of porn. And a confusing one as he has absolutely no idea what I get up to in my sex life, which is how it should stay.

But one giant red flag at a time.

I told him that when his friend assumes just cause a woman would do those things in porn, doesn't automatically mean she will do those things in a relationship, and she shouldn’t if she didn't want to. Just because someone is a chef doesn't mean they should have to cook every meal for their family. And just because you have sex for your job, doesn't mean you should have to perform like that for your partner.

As for his comment, if she wants to make you happy, that's not her job! Yes, I like to make my partner happy but it's (supposed to be) reciprocated. And what he said makes it sound like she should do anything sexually to make him happy.

He seemed confused at the difference, so I asked questions.

"If you wanted to try anal sex but she didn't want to, should she have to if she loved you?"

He was horrified at the suggestion and said of course not.

"If you wanted to perform oral sex ON HER but she wasn't a fan, should she let you even though she didn't like it?"

"Well no she shouldn't, just like if I didn't want her to do it to me, she shouldn't"

And I was so relieved at that answer. He accidentally tripped into a misogynistic comment but that wasn't what he really meant.

I explained this and asked what he meant by "make him happy".

He said that he would do everything to make her happy cause he loved her so if she loved him, she would want him to be happy. He must have clocked my wince as he stopped to think before continuing.

"So like if I wanted to play my Xbox but we only had one TV so then she would let me play for a bit unless there was something on that she had to watch right then so then I would wait. Or if I didn't want to cook dinner, she would take a turn"

It seems he's getting love confused with compromise. I may have to work on that one, just no idea how to begin.

Who would have thought anal sex would be an easier conversation to have with your kid.